ROCKET NEWS

When you’re feeling down in the dumps, which mass-produced wonder is always there for you? Sliced bread. Which food is readily available world-wide, and will always be there to absorb your tears? Sliced bread. Which food will never leave you for a younger, toastier love interest? Sliced bread!

Of course just like people, not all breads are created equal. We assigned our brave but heartbroken Japanese reporter to test out the top five Japanese breads for cuddling. So read on and see if your favorite loaf makes the cut!

So what makes for a cuddly bread, you may ask? There are many factors at play: fluffiness, warmth, durability, nutritional value. Our reporter went out on a wild night of wining and dining several different breads at supermarkets and convenience stores in Tokyo, taking the best ones back home to his apartment for something a bit more intimate.

What follows are his picks for the top five Japanese breads if you’re in need of a healthy, wheat-based cuddling:
 

5. Gold Bread (from Seven Eleven

What better to weld a broken heart back together with than gold? Gold Bread is soft, thick, and you can smother it with honey or Nutella and cuddle with it until your heart bursts with sticky joy. But just like the real metal, Gold Bread can be a little cold at times, so be sure to heat it up in the toaster a little for maximum cuddling pleasure.
 

4. Wheat Goddess

Wheat Goddess is here to sow her seeds in the barren fields of your heart. If you’re into a bread that is a little more natural and down-to-earth than the others, then this is the one for you. The only drawback: apparently this one is only down for long-term relationships with strong roots. If you’re looking for gluten-free love, you’ll have to look elsewhere.
 

3. Solid Training Raisin Bread

Sometimes you just want a good cuddle after working out at the gym, or, thanks to the many raisins, a good bowel movement. It’s not as fluffy or moist as other breads, but it does provide you with a lot of energy to get you through the day. It may be a little on the thin side, but that just makes it easier to wrap your arms around.

2. Double Soft Gold

You definitely won’t need to worry about this one leaving your side; it’s in for the long haul. Double Soft Gold was a pioneer of the fluffy sliced bread movement in Japan years ago, and now it finally wants to settle down. When cuddled, this bread will melt away all your tensions like butter and balance your body and mind with its vitamins and nutrients. She’ll turn your heart to dough and help you change your self-loaving ways.

1. Super Passionate Made in Japan Komugi

This one is the bread de la bread of cuddle partners. Our Japanese writer has had many a good cuddle on sleepness nights with this particular bread and has woken up feeling rejuvenated and fresh out of the oven every time.

The bag has a simple blue and white design, but on’t let that fool you into thinking it’s like all the other basic breads. When you open the packaging, an intoxicating aroma of pure wheat freshness washes over you. This bread can be nice and sweet, but it’s not afraid to get dirty either: spread it thick with whatever jam or jelly you like. Super Passionate Made in Japan Komugi is a bread’s bread that will mend the hearts of all those who cuddle with it. Just be sure to bring it some flours every now and then.